An Ethical Will: 10 Essential Life Lessons from My Dad

Let me start with a little backstory about this post. If you’re new around here, then you probably haven’t met my dad yet. He’s been a regular contributor to Mommy Runs It since the beginning, and his posts have always been very popular. (Sometimes more popular than mine. He’s currently featured on Bliss.com – go figure.)

But this is the first post new post from my dad in about 6 months. That’s my fault, not his. He wrote the post you’re about to read about 5 months ago. Like always, he composed his post in a Word document and attached it to an email. This is the email:

His funeral?? I’m not going to lie – that  freaked me out a little. 

When I was a little girl and would get frightened by a book I was reading, I’d make my dad hide it. (My childhood memories tell me that he hid them in the attic, but now as an adult and a parent, I’m guessing they were probably just tucked away in a drawer somewhere.)

I did the same thing with this post. I didn’t hide it, but I did leave it unopened in my inbox until today. It scared me and I didn’t want to see it.

Now that I’ve finally read it, I can tell you that, just like with Pinocchio, there was nothing to be afraid of. I absolutely love this post, and I think you will too. 

xo,

Sharon

An Ethical Will

This posting is a little different from the others I have written. It really has nothing to do about running. It is more about my philosophy of life, including lessons I learned from my parents. Its main audience is my daughters, granddaughters, and future generations of family. Perhaps some of the other readers may find it interesting and thought provoking.

I first heard the phrase “ethical will” when we lived in Knoxville. The Rabbi of our synagogue challenged Brianne (that’s my sister – S) and her fellow Bar/Bat Mitzvah students to write an ethical will.

After that exercise was completed I did not give this subject much thought for another 20+ years. Sharon’s recent posting of a letter to her 21 year old self started me thinking about this subject again. I am writing this during a period of time known in the Jewish religion as the 10 days of Awe. This is the time between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, when we are asked to reflect on our lives over the past 12 months and ask our fellow human beings for forgiveness of things that we may have done that offended them. At the same time we are promising to be better human beings, more considerate of others.

Most people, regardless of their religious persuasion, believe in some form of the Golden Rule: “Do onto others as you would have them do onto you.”  What does that mean in practice in the “real world”?

I contend that at the end of the day (figuratively, not literally) all you really have is your reputation. The question is, how do you want others to view and remember you? The response will be different depending on the person’s relationship with you. A child will have a different view than a friend, a friend may have a different view than a colleague at work. Listed below are some of my thoughts on this subject. I will start with some general thoughts and work towards more specific ones.

1. Family always needs to come first. Sometimes we say we are doing something for our family, but in reality it is really for ourselves (pride, prestige, etc). This has been a tough one for me. Too often I have put the needs of others ahead of my family (see item 3).

2. Be charitable. Regardless of your situation there will always be someone else worse off than you. You cannot save the world, but you usually can do something to help. Rather than trying to do something on my own I tend to support various charitable organizations that I believe can have a greater impact on the medical and social problems of our society than I can as an individual. This approach works for me; you need to find a way of helping the less fortunate that makes you feel that you have helped make our society a better place to live.

3. Try to be involved in your community. Do what you can to make it a better place for you and your family. Pick something that has meaning to you and your family. This differs from item 2 in that this is only about your time. However, remember item 1. Years ago I was so involved that I forgot about my family and neglected them in favor of community activities. Try to find a balance. The type of involvement can change over the years. Your child’s school/education may be appropriate when they are young, but not as important when they are older.

4. You need to be ethical in your performance of your job. I am a licensed professional engineer, working in the nuclear power industry. The states that have granted me my license to practice my profession expect me to carry out my professional duties in an ethical manner. The engineering societies that I belong to have Codes of Ethics they expect me to follow. The nuclear power industry is highly regulated and I am expected to be knowledgeable of and comply with all of the applicable rules and regulations. Occasionally a situation will arise in which a supervisor or manager may challenge a technical decision as being unnecessarily conservative. When that happens I try to approach their concern with an open mind and see if perhaps I am being too conservative. Part of my moral and ethical compass in situations such as this is the Challenger space shuttle explosion. The engineering team recommended against the launch of the space shuttle, but they were not vigorous enough and did not present sufficient technical basis for postponing the launch. Their managers gave the green light to proceed and the worst expectations of the engineers came to fruition, the space craft exploded and the entire crew died. Most of us will never be faced with decisions where the wrong choice will have these types of consequences; however you need to feel comfortable with your decisions. Another guide post is the question “Would you feel comfortable if the decisions you made were published in your local newspaper?”

5. Be respectful of other people. Avoid name calling and belittling others, especially when you are angry with that person. Being respectful also means remembering that everyone’s time is valuable. Be on time for appointments. This is something that everyone in my family except my wife are challenged to meet. I am good about this at work, but not so good about this in my personal life.

6. Be the best version of yourself. When Brianne was in elementary school one of her teachers told her she just needed to be the best Brianne she could be. In life you will be faced with many challenges, mental, physical, and emotional. Sometimes you will fail, however if you gave it your best try, you can still be proud of your effort regardless of the actual outcome. Take the failure as an opportunity to learn how to obtain a better result next time.

7. Pay it forward. As a parent try to make your children‘s lives better than yours. That does not mean spoil them. They need to learn to appreciate what you do for them and not expect things. This is a fine line that you will have to figure out on your own. My parents and Paula and I have been able to achieve a reasonable level of financial success. This has allowed us to do some things that not every parent/grandparent can provide. For example, when my family would go out for dinner with my parents, they would never let us pay for any portion of the meal, including the tip, unless we were celebrating one of their birthdays or wedding anniversary. We do the same when we go out with our children and grandchildren. I hope that this tradition will be carried forward to subsequent generations.

8. Practice kindness. Paying it forward does not just apply to your family. It also applies to other aspects of your life. It applies to people you deal with and strangers you never met. I recently read a story online about a couple that went to an upscale restaurant where the service was poor. For many people the response would have been to blame the server and leave him a small or no tip. Having previously worked as servers, this couple recognized the problem was not the server’s fault, but rather because the server was overwhelmed by the large number of tables he had been assigned. They left him a $100 tip on a $65 bill, with a note saying “we have been in your shoes.” This is what paying it forward is all about.

9. Appreciate the wisdom of your parents, but discover your own path in life. As children we are conditioned to do what our parents ask and expect of us (unless you were a rebellious child). We do this because we want the approval of our parents. As adults we no longer need to or should base our actions solely on trying to please our parents. Our decisions should be based on what we want, not our parents.

10. And finally… I cannot let a list end with an odd number, so I had to come up with number 10. Be true to yourself. Do not succumb to peer pressure. Do what makes you happy, keeping in mind the other nine items in this list.

I hope that you have a happy life.

Do you want my dad’s two cents on your running question? Contact him at Dad{at}MommyRunsIt{dot}com. And for more great advice and information, be sure to check out his other posts!

Albert is the proud father of Mommy Runs It’s owner Sharon Wilhelm. He has degrees in Nuclear and Mechanical Engineering and is a licensed Professional Engineer in Florida and is also certified as a Project Management Professional. He started running as a sophomore in high school (Oct 1964), and never stopped. In high school and college he was a middle of the pack runner. He hit his peak as a runner in the first 10 years after graduating college. Though never achieving a champion performance, he ran some decent times (5K – 16:58, 5 mi – 27:07, 6 mi – 33:00, 10K – 34:58, 13.1 mi – 1:36, 20 mi – 2:20:51, marathon – 3:37:48).  Currently he runs primarily to maintain a level of physical fitness. He hopes that when he retires in a few years he will be able to increase his training and return to competitive running.  His secret (not so secret any more) ambition is to be a high school track coach; not to produce champion runners, but to instill the love of running in these young people and pass on his experience.